Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Stuff running through my head

I've got all this stuff running through my head right now that I don't know how to compose a complete blogpost about:

I am not independent, and don't really know how to be. I can't work and do school, as I can't even seem to do school right now. Lack of independence is my #1 downfall right now in dating, not that I even have much hope in dating. I think it might be time to seriously re-evaluate my dreams. I think the dream I've had of getting married and having kids is starting to quickly fade away, since I can't even seem to get past the first few dates.

I have no friends, and spend most of my days talking only my teachers and to the people behind the counter at the coffee shops I frequent. I don't know how to have friends much less be a friend. The only thing I know is that my phone almost never rings. This isn't exactly a new thing, as this has been going on for many years.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Months of denial about AS.

So I've not been writing or posting, as I've spent the better part of the last 5 months in denial about Asperger's, that I don't really have this I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I can just go about living a normal life, but about all I can really do is act it out in some ways but not really get close to anyone for fear that they'd start asking questions that I don't really know how to answer (or want to answer.)

This all started sometime in May, when I went to my first support group for people with Asperger's. I was the only one who was attending without a parent, which made me feel incredibly fortunate that my outward appearance isn't obviously one of someone who has Asperger's or Autism. I also felt incredibly out of place being there. While I could definitely relate with some of the struggles that were mentioned, as I had those same problems at one point in my life, I've managed to work through the issues with being able to talk to people though the things I've done in participating in a 12-step program. I don't have much of a problem meeting people and getting along (to an extent), but I do have no idea how to maintain friendships, or possibly even not knowing what a friend is supposed to do (or be).

Not thinking so much about the friends issue and how important that might be, I started to get back into the dating world again via some online dating sites. I managed to have a slew of first dates, and a couple second dates, but nothing ever came of it (mostly disinterest on my part.) I did manage to finally semi-randomly meet someone (in a sober state) where I was hanging out one night. Sure, it helped that it was at a 12-step function, but it was still a victory of sorts to recognize that someone might have been checking me and might have been interested. Of course, I was so unsure of whether or not it was happening and unsure of what to do that I didn't do anything but keep dancing to the music that the DJ was playing, but she introduced herself to me. I have no idea what, if anything, I said to her, as it was such a foreign thing to happen to me that I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening (I don't go hitting up 12-step dances in order to meet women.) It should have been perfectly obvious to me that night that I'm not cured of the problems I might have with interacting with people and recognizing what is happening around me.

So that didn't really go too far (and I even told her about my AS, the first time I've done that with someone I was dating), and now we're just friends. However, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea what that means (how to be a friend.) I've been back in Madison for a year and a half now, and I'm realizing that I haven't had much contact with friends back in Savannah. This is exactly what happened to my friends in Madison when I left to move to Savannah. I would call to touch base, but that did not last long, and I pretty much stopped talking to them. Now it's happening in reverse, and now I really don't talk to anybody anymore (except maybe my teachers.) I once thought it counted, but now I'm not sure that the interactions I have on social media sites truly count as keeping in touch.

I've heard that college is supposed to be a time where you'll meet lots of friends, but I don't know how to do that, and haven't even met anyone that I would want to be friends with. I'm pretty much stuck with the circle of friends that there is in the 12-step circle, but I'm pretty sure I've been cast off that island with some of my rebellious views and attitudes of sober life (the main being that I don't want to live in an isolated "recovery bubble", living apart from the rest of the world.) I think I may have just completely lost the point to where this was going.