Friday, November 19, 2010

The feeling of being somewhat "homeless", or so I thought.

So I'm writing this a bit after the fact, but I had some interesting moments when I took a trip back to Savannah in October. I definitely had some moments where I was thrust into some awkward situations with people that I had never really experienced before, as things had generally flowed pretty smoothly (that or I was just unaware of it). My group of friends had splintered up a bit, not in a bad way (I don't think) but by seemingly normal life changes that I had not been a witness to the previous 7 months since I had moved away. I found myself in what felt like a tug of war between friends I wanted to hang out with who weren't all hanging out together that much, not like we used to anyway, and found myself not exactly sure of my standing with a lot of these people, like I wasn't exactly welcome anymore.

In sitting in a meeting a day or two later, I could see the dynamic of the meeting (my homegroup) had changed dramatically as well, and I had a panic attack. The thought crossed my mind, "what if I come back here and find myself just as alienated and disconnected in Savannah as I did when I moved back to Madison?". Things weren't very smooth when I came back to Madison, and I found myself in a situation where I was pretty much all alone and it didn't feel like I was "home". I panicked at the thought that it could be possible to have a repeat of that, given that I had desperately wanted to move back to Savannah. Luckily it was almost a full moon and the weather was nice, so I took a trip out to Tybee Island to do some meditation.

Here it is at the end of October, and it's 60 degrees, at 1am, with an almost clear sky and close to being a full moon, but not quite. I found a spot out on the south end of the island, took off my shoes, and rolled up my pants so I could dip my toe in the Atlantic. The scene was magnificent, as I could see so many stars clearly, the moon lit up the beach, and The World was literally passing me by (it's a condo/cruise ship). A few tears welled up at first thinking about that, because it did feel a bit like the world was passing me by, and that if I didn't return to Savannah soon, that ship will sail out into the horizon just like the one I was watching at the moment. I didn't really know it (or feel it) at the time like I do now, but there really was no returning to Savannah as I knew it, and that I would have to make the best of my situation where I was once I got back to Madison.

Thankfully sitting on that swinging bench on the beach for one hour brought a sense of calm over me that I hadn't felt in quite some time.

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