Thursday, March 17, 2011

Failure to... launch?

35, going on 36... but also going on 16. I still feel like a kid more often than not, and I think that's a bit of a problem. I see great things happening for and to people around me, and I know I should be happy for them, but I have been having a tendency to feel like my life is stuck in the mud and I'm not going anywhere. As crappy as that feeling is, it's an upgrade from feeling like I was going in reverse. I guess I'll take that as a win, for now.

In the mean time, I'm no where near where I want to be, and am having a lot of problems with my head being my own worst enemy again. I've got all this stuff swirling around in my head and I don't know what the hell to do with any of it. I've got things I need to say, but I don't know how to say it, and to make matters even worse... I'm not even sure IF I should say some things that I want to say to a few people.

I don't know what I'm doing with a supposedly simple class in school. I have to take a skills building writing class because I have difficulties with writing that cause me to freeze up completely. I'm not sure why or where this comes from, but I've had this for quite a while and it's caused me a tremendous amount of pain. The new idea in my mind now is that I just have to learn something I missed, but for a VERY long time I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a person that I didn't get things the way other people did. This could probably be said about a lot more things than just writing.

I've really been feeling bad about having a panic attack over a funeral that I was supposed to go to last weekend, a funeral of someone I didn't know very well but a lot of my friends did. I had some flashback of some moments where I found myself unable to say anything at a close friends funeral three years ago and a birthday party for a friend where we ended up going around the room saying nice things about this person, but I didn't have a clue what to say. The latter situation might not have been that big a deal, as it was a phase of my life where I was rather mute, but the former was really tough. I didn't know how to organize my thoughts well enough to get up in front of a crowd and say them. I felt like a real jackass for being one of the few in the room who didn't say anything then, and pretty much the same for not going last weekend.

So here I am, feeling quite "Songless" again and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights again. All I know to do right now is this, try to get my feelings down on the screen and hope they make sense. It's a bit cathartic to get this down, and I'm praying to God it doesn't spill over into the rest of my life - I can't afford to have another meltdown again. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to live independently without public assistance if I don't get a degree, and without that there's not really a whole lot to look forward to - living the rest of my life unmarried and without kids doesn't sound particularly fun. I don't see any clear cut answer for what I should do next, other than write about it and keep my nose to the grindstone in school.

I'm not sure if there was a point to any of this, but I think I'm supposed to write a summary here? I'm not really sure if there is a way to summarize any of this into a coherent statement this time around. Oh well.

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