BLAH. That's how I feel today. I'm all about some positivity on this blog, but today is just not one of those days. I'm still feeling the after effects of a bunch of little things that happened this week, notably that I'm feeling a bit anxious about being alone (now and in the future), despite the fact that dating is pretty much a non-option while A) living a home and B) having to focus a great deal on my studies.
I recently started talking to a young lady, after seeing her frequently since school started. It was only recently that we started chatting, but she seems really nice and sweet. I have no clue what she thinks about me, if she's being nice or is genuinely interested in what I'm up to. It crossed my mind to inquire a little bit deeper, to see where I'm at with her and let her know that I think she is pretty cool, but then I found out that she's leaving town soon. So yeah, I was bummed about that, and then I started feeling really awkward about how we were talking, and if maybe I was getting the wrong message from her. Maybe she wasn't interested at all, but was just being pleasant? Fucking hell I hate trying to learn body language, and this particular situation is just loaded with things that might change the context completely.
What really gets my head spinning is wondering if I will still have these sorts of problems in 4 years when I'll be finished with school? I won't be a 40 year old virgin, but I won't be that far removed from that since I simply don't seem to be doing very well with meeting people outside of the 12 step "social scene", at least not here anyway (a topic for another post.) I don't know if there is something in the water where I am now, or where I was previously, but I do know that I had more friends and dating experiences take place in Georgia than I do here. I mostly feel isolated and on the outside of the inner circle here with the people I do know, and (I could be very wrong about this) it seems as if the cultural experiences of many of the people I do know here seem to be a bit limited.
The point is that I have what I think is a very real worry about what's going to happen once I am at a point where there isn't anything preventing me from dating What happens when I'm unable to navigate the muddy waters that one must in wade through in order to date someone? I know that there is a lot of time between now and then and a lot could happen, but last night didn't seem to help matters (not in conjunction with what happened Thursday). There was a girl who worked there that seemed to notice me (she smiled when I looked up from my books at her) and another that I'm not really sure what her reaction was (I think she noticed me checking her out, but I have no clue what her reaction was). That's good that there were at least 1.5 notices, as I've spent many a night going without one, but it's still frustrating.
Lets hope this is just a normal, yet fleeting feeling.