About that string of bad first dates...

So my last post from forever ago was me... well, complaining (no getting around that fact.) I'd had a ton of first dates and a couple seconds, but nothing went anywhere. I was probably hoping for something more, and that led to disappointment which led to me being in a bad mood. Oops. Anyway, after letting my subscription run out on this online dating site I was on, I took a month or two off before giving it another shot in October. I sent out a handful of emails and had some fun back and forth exchanges with a few women (none of them went anywhere), but little did I know that the very first email I sent was one that has (so far) led to a pretty interesting couple of months of dating her (for anonymity's sake, lets call her Mary.)

In the world of 12-step programs, there is a saying that "if you want to know what your defects are, start dating someone." I think the same can be said of AS with dating or even just simple friendships. As much as I was feeling confused about my diagnosis last year, it is starting to sink in to me that it is the correct diagnosis, and that I am incredibly lucky to be so far on the high functioning end of the spectrum. That said, my ability to connect with people is still something I have a problem with like anyone else with AS. I get a little more wiggle room, I think, because I'm able to hide it well (as exhausting as it is to do) and possibly because I am an attractive person (not being cocky, just going with human nature being what it is.) Whatever the case may be, I have been finding out that I definitely still have some struggles with reading social interactions and having an intuitive sense of where I stand with people. The good news is that I am sooooooo much better than I ever was, so I've made progress. :)

Months of denial about AS.

So I've not been writing or posting, as I've spent the better part of the last 5 months in denial about Asperger's, that I don't really have this I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I can just go about living a normal life, but about all I can really do is act it out in some ways but not really get close to anyone for fear that they'd start asking questions that I don't really know how to answer (or want to answer.)

This all started sometime in May, when I went to my first support group for people with Asperger's. I was the only one who was attending without a parent, which made me feel incredibly fortunate that my outward appearance isn't obviously one of someone who has Asperger's or Autism. I also felt incredibly out of place being there. While I could definitely relate with some of the struggles that were mentioned, as I had those same problems at one point in my life, I've managed to work through the issues with being able to talk to people though the things I've done in participating in a 12-step program. I don't have much of a problem meeting people and getting along (to an extent), but I do have no idea how to maintain friendships, or possibly even not knowing what a friend is supposed to do (or be).

Not thinking so much about the friends issue and how important that might be, I started to get back into the dating world again via some online dating sites. I managed to have a slew of first dates, and a couple second dates, but nothing ever came of it (mostly disinterest on my part.) I did manage to finally semi-randomly meet someone (in a sober state) where I was hanging out one night. Sure, it helped that it was at a 12-step function, but it was still a victory of sorts to recognize that someone might have been checking me and might have been interested. Of course, I was so unsure of whether or not it was happening and unsure of what to do that I didn't do anything but keep dancing to the music that the DJ was playing, but she introduced herself to me. I have no idea what, if anything, I said to her, as it was such a foreign thing to happen to me that I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening (I don't go hitting up 12-step dances in order to meet women.) It should have been perfectly obvious to me that night that I'm not cured of the problems I might have with interacting with people and recognizing what is happening around me.

So that didn't really go too far (and I even told her about my AS, the first time I've done that with someone I was dating), and now we're just friends. However, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea what that means (how to be a friend.) I've been back in Madison for a year and a half now, and I'm realizing that I haven't had much contact with friends back in Savannah. This is exactly what happened to my friends in Madison when I left to move to Savannah. I would call to touch base, but that did not last long, and I pretty much stopped talking to them. Now it's happening in reverse, and now I really don't talk to anybody anymore (except maybe my teachers.) I once thought it counted, but now I'm not sure that the interactions I have on social media sites truly count as keeping in touch.

I've heard that college is supposed to be a time where you'll meet lots of friends, but I don't know how to do that, and haven't even met anyone that I would want to be friends with. I'm pretty much stuck with the circle of friends that there is in the 12-step circle, but I'm pretty sure I've been cast off that island with some of my rebellious views and attitudes of sober life (the main being that I don't want to live in an isolated "recovery bubble", living apart from the rest of the world.) I think I may have just completely lost the point to where this was going.

Sleep link & my sleep story

I just found this blog which is pretty good, and in particular this article about Asperger's and sleep issues:

http://asdhelp.wordpress.com/2010/11/24/catching-zzzs/

I used to have significant difficulties with sleep, leading to a diagnosis of having a Circadian Rhythm Disorder earlier this year. This is one of many co-morbid conditions that typically appear with AS, according to many people in the community. Anyway, I have had many "cycles" where my sleep will gradually shift itself forward or backward overtime, to the point where I will be sleeping all day and will be awake all night. It will then shift back again a few weeks later, such that things seem to be back to normal and I can be "amongst the living" again. If only it was that easy though...

This class is killing me...

I'm not really sure how or why I ended up taking this "Cultural Anthropology" class, other than it was at a time that I had open. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it sounded even better when I realized it was the transfer equivalent of ANTHRO 104 at UW (ie counts towards 2 requirements with 1 class!), but this class has been a real PITA for me in the last few weeks. I'm rocking an A in it thus far, but we spent a good chunk of the semester not in "cultural mode" but in a "general anthropology mode" before we could dig into cultural ideas.

The past few weeks have thrown 2 assignments at me that are my achilles heel: writing essays based on videos. Couple that with having to look at two different groups of people and write on the "wh" questions (who, what when, when, and especially why), and this could be potential disaster. Luckily it hasn't sent me into panic mode yet. I do have a MAJOR problem with watching videos and interpreting them, but this class has given me a "lens" to look through, which certainly helps, but it's still a bit hard for me to watch someone and come up with an idea as to why they are doing what they are doing.

A new assignment (one more book...)

So it's not really an "assignment", but a suggestion I got from Glenis last week. She said she went to an Autism Society of Georgia event, where the keynote speakers were a couple who both read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People", before they met, but read it like it was a manual.


That's an interesting twist on trying to read it, which might make it more interesting. I bought the book many years ago, even before I has ever heard of Asperger's, but had difficulty with the premise of the book. It felt fake to me, so that made it hard to swallow and keep pushing forward. It also didn't help that in my early 20's, I really wasn't much of a reader. I bought the book at some point between 1995 and 2000, but according to the furthest bookmark, I only read about 40 pages. I just read 30 pages today alone!

This time around I'm going to look at like a reference to succeeding with people. It still won't help much with the non-verbal part of communication, but at least it should help greatly with dealing with people in a way that they might like better. I can already see some things I might be doing wrong, mainly with my own attitude (which needs some adjustment.)

New book purchase & a clarification

I went to another meeting tonight, making it two in two nights. I had a thought during the meeting as I was mentally screaming at this blowhard who spent half the meeting talking about himself, that I'm not knocking this particular 12 step program. I'm sure it could come across like I think it's a load of crap, but I want to make sure that I'm clear on this. The program itself has saved my life, and I'm fairly certain that I would not be sitting here writing this if it didn't exist. The program itself is definitely not the problem.

Recovery vs Aspergers, a battle I seem to be losing.

I've been on hiatus from 12 step program meetings for almost a month now, maybe a little bit more, as I've been in a bit of a "get the fuck away from me" phase where I just don't have the mental & physical energy to deal with interacting with anyone. However, I may be coming out of that phase, and am feeling like having some friends around would be nice. This brings up a few problems that I've had running through my head lately, as well as some things I've seen happen to other people.

Now I have something in my eye...

So I decided to bounce my idea of tossing it out there on Facebook off a group of people on a message board of one of my intense interests. I had "outed" my Asperger's on there sometime last fall during a rough stretch in a post about some political happenings at the time, IIRC.

So I posed the question, asking if this is a potentially really bad idea, or maybe a good one considering it is Autism Awareness month. I got a LOT of really cool supportive responses over the last 24 hours, and then I got this:

I admire your openness about this.  You are not afraid to stand up and ask this question and that kicks major ass.  Some people on here will jump down your throat on the questions you ask on the [politics] board or on other topics but you've got the balls to ask questions.  Good for you.  You are very willing to allow yourself to be challenged regardless of the topic or what spears and barbs are chucked your way. [note: I get *a lot* of shit for my political and economic views]  This might be a product of what you are dealing with but no matter how ridiculous those questions are keep educating yourself.  It does this board a good service to have someone who is not afraid to ask questions.  You're comfortable enough asking those question on a (semi) anonymous internet site.  You are facing this head on.  That is simply outstanding.  You're not hiding from it, you're not throwing yourself a pity party, you've accepted this and are not making excuses.

It does come down to personal comfort and it's going to scare the shit out of you....but just remember, this isn't something that is unique to you and only you.  Sharing your story, when you are comfortable, is going to resonate with others.  Standing up and embracing your challenges could open the door for others to develop a positive outlook like you have.  You've been given a great opportunity to assist others and I think it goes without saying that you have created a greater awareness on this site by sharing your story so you've already made a positive impact.  It does ultimately come down to what you are comfortable sharing away from the friendly confines of [web site name].  Remember that you have found a support network here to bounce things off of if the waters get a little choppy. 

Wow. I definitely don't have a clue how I impact other people, as this wasn't what I expected... at all. This definitely made my day and gives me hope that there is something very positive that I can do for others with what I've gone through. That's a feeling (usefulness) that I've been lacking for quite a while now. I'm hoping that combining that feeling with the sense of purpose in life that I found last fall is going to make my life real interesting in the coming years. :-)

There, I said it.

I'm seriously thinking about saying something on Facebook about AS. I'm getting tired of hiding it, but I'm also quite leery of some of the responses I might get. It is Autism Awareness month, after all, and maybe a good time to do it.

Day of frustration & SOTD

BLAH. That's how I feel today. I'm all about some positivity on this blog, but today is just not one of those days. I'm still feeling the after effects of a bunch of little things that happened this week, notably that I'm feeling a bit anxious about being alone (now and in the future), despite the fact that dating is pretty much a non-option while A) living a home and B) having to focus a great deal on my studies.

I have a crush on Zooey Deschanel

Hi, I'm [insert my real name here]. I'm in a 12 step program. For a good chunk of my life it's been a blessing, in that it's helped me develop a number of behaviours that I needed working on, as well as having a crap ton more social interaction than I would have without being eligible for being in such a program. As of right now though, it's feeling a good bit like a curse and I'm not really sure how to resolve it or if it can be resolved while I still live here.

Cleanup in aisle 12!

So I guess this is progress, I'm not really sure what to make of this. I was in the grocery store today, and was scanning side to side looking for anything interesting I needed, or sales, when this woman was walking straight towards me down the aisle. She smiled and I think she said hi to me, but I don't know because I had my headphones on. I tried to say hi, but it caught me off guard, and I think I just mouthed it without actually saying anything. OK, it caught me COMPLETELY off guard, and I had absolutely no idea what to do since I have no idea what the context was.

Questions for Max

If you haven't heard by now, there's a fantastic show on NBC on Tuesday nights (10pm Eastern, 9pm Central) called Parenthood. If you're wondering why the hell a unmarried guy with no kids would be interested in a show like this, two words (well, five, technically): Lauren Graham and Monica Potter. I've had a crush on Lauren Graham for quite some time, probably back to her time on News Radio, if not earlier. Monica Potter is super cute too. Those two actresses certainly drew me in, but the show is a really interesting family drama that seems fairly realistic (as far as I can tell). It's an interesting insight into what parenthood is like, something that I'm not sure is going to happen for me for me or not.

A new non-verbal thing to look for!

So I'm sitting in the coffee shop today (as I usually do after class) and I hear the people at the table near me talking in what sounds very much like English, but sounded nothing like anything I recognized. Words and phrases were being used in odd combinations that I'm not used to hearing. I'm not sure what to call it, other than "business English", an almost incomprehensible way of talking to convey the fact that I'm smarter than you, I guess.

After listening in for a few minutes, I figured out it was some sort of interview for a local media outlet (I think). I feel bad for the poor guy, because one of the two interviewers was and condescending bitch who seemed to be going out of her way to make herself seem superior. That in itself wasnt what was interesting, her body language is what intrigued me.

The Roadtrip Without A Map (no GPS either...)

Finding this last summer was an "A ha!" moment that clarified some of the confusion I've had, and where it comes from. I always though this was just attention deficit disorder going back over 10 years, but it turn out there's a bit more to it than that.

Failure to... launch?

35, going on 36... but also going on 16. I still feel like a kid more often than not, and I think that's a bit of a problem. I see great things happening for and to people around me, and I know I should be happy for them, but I have been having a tendency to feel like my life is stuck in the mud and I'm not going anywhere. As crappy as that feeling is, it's an upgrade from feeling like I was going in reverse. I guess I'll take that as a win, for now.

Changing my own educational paradigm

I found this video recently, and wanted to share it, as it's an incredibly powerful animated video that's taken from the full length talk by Sir Ken Robinson entitled "Changing Education Paradigms". I find it fascinating as it seems to be quite relevant for those of us on the spectrum whose brains don't seem to fit in the mold that traditional education wants to put us in. One of the biggest problems I had in my public school years was the belief that because I wasn't living up to the potential I had, that I was a failure.

Dieting (NOT confirming the anti-gluten theory)

So after Thanksgiving I decided to get back on the diet trail once again. I have a love/hate relationship with food, I fucking LOVE to eat it, and I HATE how I feel afterwards (especially with some of my favorite foods). Sugary foods are definitely my achilles heel (like many), but grains tend to produce a very similar effect in me: the feeling of craving and a wild fluctuation of blood sugar that inevitably leads to a crash, feeling tired, and then feeling hungry all over again not too long after eating (within an hour or two). I don't know if it has anything to do with the gluten breads, cereals, and certain chips & crackers, and I don't know if there is any legitimacy to the claim that cutting out gluten can help mitigate problems seen with Aspergers, but I do know that since going on a low carb (not exactly Atkins, but close), I feel like a new person.

OK, take a step back... how about what the actual diagnosis is?

I started writing a post based on my reading Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome", and I realized that maybe it would be worthwhile to jump back to chapter 2 before I start writing about where I'm at with chapter 3 (the friends/social interaction thing). Chapter 2 is all about the diagnosis and the criteria used to determine if one has Asperger's Syndrome or not. I know there were a good number of things that were rather fuzzy at first, but one I understood what these things were getting at, it became more clear that this has been more pervasive in my life than I had realized.

OK, so first off... the official criteria (bolded text), and where I think I fit the description (bullet points). The following is from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (aka DSM IV):

The things you can learn from a cat...

Insomnia is setting in, so what better time to write up my second blog post? I tend to get stuck in an idea for some things I want to write, and this one makes sense to me - that this will be of interest to normies and to aspies.

There is a something I had noticed a couple years ago with my cat that had escaped me with my first cat I had when I was a kid. In petting and playing with "Bashful" (not his real name, he's a scaredy cat), I will scratch the bed or the carpet that puts him into a sort of hunting pose, all crouched down like he's about to pounce on something. While in this pose, I noticed that his pupils get HUGE. A couple things are going on there that I've learned in the past few years, some things that I believe are similar in human eyes - one of those things that someone with Aspergers wouldn't likely have picked up on unless they were told (like I had been years earlier), and this ties into something I wrote in my first post.