Months of denial about AS.

So I've not been writing or posting, as I've spent the better part of the last 5 months in denial about Asperger's, that I don't really have this I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I can just go about living a normal life, but about all I can really do is act it out in some ways but not really get close to anyone for fear that they'd start asking questions that I don't really know how to answer (or want to answer.)

This all started sometime in May, when I went to my first support group for people with Asperger's. I was the only one who was attending without a parent, which made me feel incredibly fortunate that my outward appearance isn't obviously one of someone who has Asperger's or Autism. I also felt incredibly out of place being there. While I could definitely relate with some of the struggles that were mentioned, as I had those same problems at one point in my life, I've managed to work through the issues with being able to talk to people though the things I've done in participating in a 12-step program. I don't have much of a problem meeting people and getting along (to an extent), but I do have no idea how to maintain friendships, or possibly even not knowing what a friend is supposed to do (or be).

Not thinking so much about the friends issue and how important that might be, I started to get back into the dating world again via some online dating sites. I managed to have a slew of first dates, and a couple second dates, but nothing ever came of it (mostly disinterest on my part.) I did manage to finally semi-randomly meet someone (in a sober state) where I was hanging out one night. Sure, it helped that it was at a 12-step function, but it was still a victory of sorts to recognize that someone might have been checking me and might have been interested. Of course, I was so unsure of whether or not it was happening and unsure of what to do that I didn't do anything but keep dancing to the music that the DJ was playing, but she introduced herself to me. I have no idea what, if anything, I said to her, as it was such a foreign thing to happen to me that I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening (I don't go hitting up 12-step dances in order to meet women.) It should have been perfectly obvious to me that night that I'm not cured of the problems I might have with interacting with people and recognizing what is happening around me.

So that didn't really go too far (and I even told her about my AS, the first time I've done that with someone I was dating), and now we're just friends. However, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea what that means (how to be a friend.) I've been back in Madison for a year and a half now, and I'm realizing that I haven't had much contact with friends back in Savannah. This is exactly what happened to my friends in Madison when I left to move to Savannah. I would call to touch base, but that did not last long, and I pretty much stopped talking to them. Now it's happening in reverse, and now I really don't talk to anybody anymore (except maybe my teachers.) I once thought it counted, but now I'm not sure that the interactions I have on social media sites truly count as keeping in touch.

I've heard that college is supposed to be a time where you'll meet lots of friends, but I don't know how to do that, and haven't even met anyone that I would want to be friends with. I'm pretty much stuck with the circle of friends that there is in the 12-step circle, but I'm pretty sure I've been cast off that island with some of my rebellious views and attitudes of sober life (the main being that I don't want to live in an isolated "recovery bubble", living apart from the rest of the world.) I think I may have just completely lost the point to where this was going.

A new assignment (one more book...)

So it's not really an "assignment", but a suggestion I got from Glenis last week. She said she went to an Autism Society of Georgia event, where the keynote speakers were a couple who both read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People", before they met, but read it like it was a manual.


That's an interesting twist on trying to read it, which might make it more interesting. I bought the book many years ago, even before I has ever heard of Asperger's, but had difficulty with the premise of the book. It felt fake to me, so that made it hard to swallow and keep pushing forward. It also didn't help that in my early 20's, I really wasn't much of a reader. I bought the book at some point between 1995 and 2000, but according to the furthest bookmark, I only read about 40 pages. I just read 30 pages today alone!

This time around I'm going to look at like a reference to succeeding with people. It still won't help much with the non-verbal part of communication, but at least it should help greatly with dealing with people in a way that they might like better. I can already see some things I might be doing wrong, mainly with my own attitude (which needs some adjustment.)

Day of frustration & SOTD

BLAH. That's how I feel today. I'm all about some positivity on this blog, but today is just not one of those days. I'm still feeling the after effects of a bunch of little things that happened this week, notably that I'm feeling a bit anxious about being alone (now and in the future), despite the fact that dating is pretty much a non-option while A) living a home and B) having to focus a great deal on my studies.

Cleanup in aisle 12!

So I guess this is progress, I'm not really sure what to make of this. I was in the grocery store today, and was scanning side to side looking for anything interesting I needed, or sales, when this woman was walking straight towards me down the aisle. She smiled and I think she said hi to me, but I don't know because I had my headphones on. I tried to say hi, but it caught me off guard, and I think I just mouthed it without actually saying anything. OK, it caught me COMPLETELY off guard, and I had absolutely no idea what to do since I have no idea what the context was.