Day of frustration & SOTD

BLAH. That's how I feel today. I'm all about some positivity on this blog, but today is just not one of those days. I'm still feeling the after effects of a bunch of little things that happened this week, notably that I'm feeling a bit anxious about being alone (now and in the future), despite the fact that dating is pretty much a non-option while A) living a home and B) having to focus a great deal on my studies.

I have a crush on Zooey Deschanel

Hi, I'm [insert my real name here]. I'm in a 12 step program. For a good chunk of my life it's been a blessing, in that it's helped me develop a number of behaviours that I needed working on, as well as having a crap ton more social interaction than I would have without being eligible for being in such a program. As of right now though, it's feeling a good bit like a curse and I'm not really sure how to resolve it or if it can be resolved while I still live here.

Cleanup in aisle 12!

So I guess this is progress, I'm not really sure what to make of this. I was in the grocery store today, and was scanning side to side looking for anything interesting I needed, or sales, when this woman was walking straight towards me down the aisle. She smiled and I think she said hi to me, but I don't know because I had my headphones on. I tried to say hi, but it caught me off guard, and I think I just mouthed it without actually saying anything. OK, it caught me COMPLETELY off guard, and I had absolutely no idea what to do since I have no idea what the context was.

A new non-verbal thing to look for!

So I'm sitting in the coffee shop today (as I usually do after class) and I hear the people at the table near me talking in what sounds very much like English, but sounded nothing like anything I recognized. Words and phrases were being used in odd combinations that I'm not used to hearing. I'm not sure what to call it, other than "business English", an almost incomprehensible way of talking to convey the fact that I'm smarter than you, I guess.

After listening in for a few minutes, I figured out it was some sort of interview for a local media outlet (I think). I feel bad for the poor guy, because one of the two interviewers was and condescending bitch who seemed to be going out of her way to make herself seem superior. That in itself wasnt what was interesting, her body language is what intrigued me.

The things you can learn from a cat...

Insomnia is setting in, so what better time to write up my second blog post? I tend to get stuck in an idea for some things I want to write, and this one makes sense to me - that this will be of interest to normies and to aspies.

There is a something I had noticed a couple years ago with my cat that had escaped me with my first cat I had when I was a kid. In petting and playing with "Bashful" (not his real name, he's a scaredy cat), I will scratch the bed or the carpet that puts him into a sort of hunting pose, all crouched down like he's about to pounce on something. While in this pose, I noticed that his pupils get HUGE. A couple things are going on there that I've learned in the past few years, some things that I believe are similar in human eyes - one of those things that someone with Aspergers wouldn't likely have picked up on unless they were told (like I had been years earlier), and this ties into something I wrote in my first post.

Why I am here. Why am I here? Why are you here?

So I'm going somewhat against the grain of some advice I was given from someone close to me about "shouting out to the world" the fact that I was recently diagnosed with a high-functioning form of autism called Aspergers Syndrome, that it would be a bad idea to put this information out there on my Facebook page. Maybe that's true and maybe I might still do that at some point, but for now? I need to start anonymously mashing the keyboard in hopes that some of things I'm going through can be of use to someone else trying to find out if they have this ability/disability too. God knows I could have used more personal experiences about what it's like to have this when I first discovered some info about Aspergers over 10 years ago...

"What the fcuk is Aspergers Syndrome" is probably crossing your mind right now, if you don't know what it is. If you have heard of it or know a bit about autism, you might have the "Rain Man" image in your head (like I did). It's OK, there are a ton of stereotypes, misconceptions, and myths about this syndrome out there. I know because they totally mess with my head, and is the reason why I've been secretive about moving halfway across the country to get a professional opinion on whether or not I have this - and once I did, why I've been so quiet about it. This bottling up of what's going on with me is driving me absolutely fugging crazy, but it's not something I really know how to bring up to people in my life, since I don't exactly display what some would say are obvious external characteristics. Autism and Aspergers are on what they call a "spectrum", where the degree of functioning varies and there is a wide range of symptoms.

"But you don't seem autistic." Even people who know a great deal about autism aren't immune to saying this to me, so I have to explain it here how I've been affected by being an "Aspie". I hope that as time goes by, I'll be able to focus more on the positive and creative aspects of having Aspergers, but for now I'll just mention some of the obvious difficulties I'm trying to overcome.