Stuff running through my head

I've got all this stuff running through my head right now that I don't know how to compose a complete blogpost about:

I am not independent, and don't really know how to be. I can't work and do school, as I can't even seem to do school right now. Lack of independence is my #1 downfall right now in dating, not that I even have much hope in dating. I think it might be time to seriously re-evaluate my dreams. I think the dream I've had of getting married and having kids is starting to quickly fade away, since I can't even seem to get past the first few dates.

I have no friends, and spend most of my days talking only my teachers and to the people behind the counter at the coffee shops I frequent. I don't know how to have friends much less be a friend. The only thing I know is that my phone almost never rings. This isn't exactly a new thing, as this has been going on for many years.

Months of denial about AS.

So I've not been writing or posting, as I've spent the better part of the last 5 months in denial about Asperger's, that I don't really have this I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I can just go about living a normal life, but about all I can really do is act it out in some ways but not really get close to anyone for fear that they'd start asking questions that I don't really know how to answer (or want to answer.)

This all started sometime in May, when I went to my first support group for people with Asperger's. I was the only one who was attending without a parent, which made me feel incredibly fortunate that my outward appearance isn't obviously one of someone who has Asperger's or Autism. I also felt incredibly out of place being there. While I could definitely relate with some of the struggles that were mentioned, as I had those same problems at one point in my life, I've managed to work through the issues with being able to talk to people though the things I've done in participating in a 12-step program. I don't have much of a problem meeting people and getting along (to an extent), but I do have no idea how to maintain friendships, or possibly even not knowing what a friend is supposed to do (or be).

Not thinking so much about the friends issue and how important that might be, I started to get back into the dating world again via some online dating sites. I managed to have a slew of first dates, and a couple second dates, but nothing ever came of it (mostly disinterest on my part.) I did manage to finally semi-randomly meet someone (in a sober state) where I was hanging out one night. Sure, it helped that it was at a 12-step function, but it was still a victory of sorts to recognize that someone might have been checking me and might have been interested. Of course, I was so unsure of whether or not it was happening and unsure of what to do that I didn't do anything but keep dancing to the music that the DJ was playing, but she introduced herself to me. I have no idea what, if anything, I said to her, as it was such a foreign thing to happen to me that I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening (I don't go hitting up 12-step dances in order to meet women.) It should have been perfectly obvious to me that night that I'm not cured of the problems I might have with interacting with people and recognizing what is happening around me.

So that didn't really go too far (and I even told her about my AS, the first time I've done that with someone I was dating), and now we're just friends. However, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea what that means (how to be a friend.) I've been back in Madison for a year and a half now, and I'm realizing that I haven't had much contact with friends back in Savannah. This is exactly what happened to my friends in Madison when I left to move to Savannah. I would call to touch base, but that did not last long, and I pretty much stopped talking to them. Now it's happening in reverse, and now I really don't talk to anybody anymore (except maybe my teachers.) I once thought it counted, but now I'm not sure that the interactions I have on social media sites truly count as keeping in touch.

I've heard that college is supposed to be a time where you'll meet lots of friends, but I don't know how to do that, and haven't even met anyone that I would want to be friends with. I'm pretty much stuck with the circle of friends that there is in the 12-step circle, but I'm pretty sure I've been cast off that island with some of my rebellious views and attitudes of sober life (the main being that I don't want to live in an isolated "recovery bubble", living apart from the rest of the world.) I think I may have just completely lost the point to where this was going.

A new assignment (one more book...)

So it's not really an "assignment", but a suggestion I got from Glenis last week. She said she went to an Autism Society of Georgia event, where the keynote speakers were a couple who both read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People", before they met, but read it like it was a manual.


That's an interesting twist on trying to read it, which might make it more interesting. I bought the book many years ago, even before I has ever heard of Asperger's, but had difficulty with the premise of the book. It felt fake to me, so that made it hard to swallow and keep pushing forward. It also didn't help that in my early 20's, I really wasn't much of a reader. I bought the book at some point between 1995 and 2000, but according to the furthest bookmark, I only read about 40 pages. I just read 30 pages today alone!

This time around I'm going to look at like a reference to succeeding with people. It still won't help much with the non-verbal part of communication, but at least it should help greatly with dealing with people in a way that they might like better. I can already see some things I might be doing wrong, mainly with my own attitude (which needs some adjustment.)

Now I have something in my eye...

So I decided to bounce my idea of tossing it out there on Facebook off a group of people on a message board of one of my intense interests. I had "outed" my Asperger's on there sometime last fall during a rough stretch in a post about some political happenings at the time, IIRC.

So I posed the question, asking if this is a potentially really bad idea, or maybe a good one considering it is Autism Awareness month. I got a LOT of really cool supportive responses over the last 24 hours, and then I got this:

I admire your openness about this.  You are not afraid to stand up and ask this question and that kicks major ass.  Some people on here will jump down your throat on the questions you ask on the [politics] board or on other topics but you've got the balls to ask questions.  Good for you.  You are very willing to allow yourself to be challenged regardless of the topic or what spears and barbs are chucked your way. [note: I get *a lot* of shit for my political and economic views]  This might be a product of what you are dealing with but no matter how ridiculous those questions are keep educating yourself.  It does this board a good service to have someone who is not afraid to ask questions.  You're comfortable enough asking those question on a (semi) anonymous internet site.  You are facing this head on.  That is simply outstanding.  You're not hiding from it, you're not throwing yourself a pity party, you've accepted this and are not making excuses.

It does come down to personal comfort and it's going to scare the shit out of you....but just remember, this isn't something that is unique to you and only you.  Sharing your story, when you are comfortable, is going to resonate with others.  Standing up and embracing your challenges could open the door for others to develop a positive outlook like you have.  You've been given a great opportunity to assist others and I think it goes without saying that you have created a greater awareness on this site by sharing your story so you've already made a positive impact.  It does ultimately come down to what you are comfortable sharing away from the friendly confines of [web site name].  Remember that you have found a support network here to bounce things off of if the waters get a little choppy. 

Wow. I definitely don't have a clue how I impact other people, as this wasn't what I expected... at all. This definitely made my day and gives me hope that there is something very positive that I can do for others with what I've gone through. That's a feeling (usefulness) that I've been lacking for quite a while now. I'm hoping that combining that feeling with the sense of purpose in life that I found last fall is going to make my life real interesting in the coming years. :-)

Rearranging some things & Song Of The Day

For privacy reasons, I had to make some massive changes to the blog, but I think I was able to do so without ruining anything or losing any comments. In the change, I updated some things and created a new Google account email address that people could email me at (iamersht at gmail dot com).

I've got a bit of homework going on, so it might be a few days until my next post. I've got a few things I think I need to say:

• sleep problems & melatonin (this is a big one for aspies, so it seems)
• school related stuff (still getting straight A's! so far, semester isn't far away from being over)
• some recent frustration with a group of friends

I think there is something on that list that's missing that's been running out my head, but must have escaped. It could be that it was replaced with this, which has been in my head since I caught it at the end of a movie while channel surfing this evening:

The feeling of being somewhat "homeless", or so I thought.

So I'm writing this a bit after the fact, but I had some interesting moments when I took a trip back to Savannah in October. I definitely had some moments where I was thrust into some awkward situations with people that I had never really experienced before, as things had generally flowed pretty smoothly (that or I was just unaware of it). My group of friends had splintered up a bit, not in a bad way (I don't think) but by seemingly normal life changes that I had not been a witness to the previous 7 months since I had moved away. I found myself in what felt like a tug of war between friends I wanted to hang out with who weren't all hanging out together that much, not like we used to anyway, and found myself not exactly sure of my standing with a lot of these people, like I wasn't exactly welcome anymore.